Freed Israeli hostage feared the ‘many ways to die’ in Gaza but kept hope alive

TEL AVIV Israel AP Whether the threat was abusive Hamas guards hunger illness or Israeli strikes there were moments during Tal Shoham s days of captivity in Gaza when he didn t think he d be alive the next morning There were a great number of times that I separated from life and tried to accept death the -year-old Israeli who also holds Austrian citizenship reported The Associated Press There are so various avenues to die there Shoham was one of dozens of hostages circulated from Gaza in February as part of a ceasefire agreement between Hamas and Israel that has since been broken His wife two children and three other family members were also kidnapped on Oct and were freed a month later Shoham explained he spent half his captivity in apartments and the rest in underground tunnels He was sometimes bound starved beaten and threatened with death and initially didn t know if his family was alive After his wife was distributed Shoham mentioned someone identifying himself as a member of Hamas called to warn her not to talk about what she d been through or they d kill her husband So as he recounted his own experience Shoham commented there were details he wouldn t discuss fearful of endangering remaining hostages With ceasefire talks at a standstill Israel is vowing to advance deeper into Gaza until Hamas releases the hostages still there more than half of whom are supposed dead The resumption of fighting has inflamed debate in Israel over the discipline of the war and the hostages fate Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has come under mounting domestic pressure for his handling of the hostage dilemma But he also faces demands from his hard-line allies not to accept any deal that falls short of Hamas destruction The abduction Shoham was kidnapped while visiting relatives in Kibbutz Be eri When Hamas attacked he and his family hid in a safe room meant to offer protection from incoming rockets But as militants pried open a window and used explosives to try to break in the family surrendered a decision Shoham credits with saving their lives Shoham was thrown into the back of a van and taken into Gaza not knowing what happened to his wife or children Be eri was among the hardest-hit communities that day Before being separated Shoham recalled telling his now -year-old son that he didn t know if they were going to die I didn t want him to hear a lie from me if it s the last minutes of our life he declared Upon entering Gaza a militant jumped on the car s roof pointed his gun at Shoham and notified him to kneel But Shoham refused not wanting to be killed on their terms he declared He mentioned the militant had murder in his eyes The apartments Shoham was first taken to an apartment that his captors explained was in northern Gaza He spent weeks there handcuffed and confined to a room About a month later he was moved to another apartment and joined by Evyatar David and Guy Gilboa-Dalal hostages he would spend majority of his captivity with The two men were abducted from a music festival in southern Israel where at least people were killed and dozens more taken hostage Hearing about the conditions of their captivity made Shoham feel lucky about his own They d been kept in more uncomfortable zip-tie handcuffs with plastic bags on their heads he commented and fed one pita per day The three lived in that apartment for months where they endured daily beatings Guards would taunt and humiliate them asking how the music festival was and making shooting noises Shoham disclosed Forbidden by their captors from speaking they got to know each other through furtive whispers To humanize himself in the eyes of his captors and hopefully make them less likely to kill him Shoham learned Arabic and talked with them about his life in Israel One of their guards liked massages Shoham mentioned so the captives provided daily back rubs in exchange for more variety in their diet like tuna sardines and even eggs Shoham learned his wife and children were alive about days into his captivity In what he considered an act of kindness his captors gave him a letter written by his wife that stated she and their children were OK and would be disclosed soon He credits that gesture by the guards with giving him more mental strength to focus on his own survival The tunnel Last June Shoham David and Gilboa-Dalal were relocated to a tunnel that they estimated to be about meters feet underground Shoham noted they were moved after Israel rescued four hostages from apartments in Gaza earlier that month an operation that killed more than Palestinians They were transported in an ambulance Shoham revealed cleanly shaved dressed in clothes meant to make him blend in and blindfolded Hamas operates from civilian areas including hospitals and Israel accuses Hamas militants of taking cover in ambulances and other emergency vehicles The tunnels were dark and damp and it was hard to breathe Shoham disclosed The three men were kept with another hostage Omer Wenkert who had been in the tunnels for much longer They shared a -meter-long -foot-long cell and slept on mattresses on the ground a meter away from a hole that was their toilet They showered roughly every days Shoham lost about pounds kilograms while in captivity He developed a leg infection that was so bad he couldn t walk for weeks After a medical practitioner visited and provided vitamins he reported his medical improved What also helped Shoham survive he reported was focusing on what he could control He started doing mindfulness sessions he had learned from his wife a psychologist and discussed his feelings with the other hostages The only thing that I have power upon is my inner life he reported He explained himself each day that he d eventually be free Back home and healing Shoham and Wenkert were freed together in the last release of living hostages before the ceasefire ended The last thing Shoham recounted David and Gilboa-Dalal was to be strong and not lose hope Hamas later circulated a video showing the two men sitting in a nearby truck distressed as they were forced to watch the handover for published hostages that day A group representing hostages families called the video sickening Shoham worries they re running out of time and is urging the regime and the international group not to tie the hostages fate to a ceasefire or a peace agreement I really fear that if they won t be circulated soon they presumably will die there he disclosed Shoham says his own healing process has been made easier by knowing his family can relate to what he endured And his freedom has helped the family properly mourn those killed on Oct including his wife s father While he was in captivity they d been so focused on his release he mentioned Since returning home Shoham has gained pounds kilograms saying he desired to eat everything and never felt full Lately he s been trying to get back to his pre-captivity routine of intermittent fasting While his leg is still not fully healed Shoham says he s one of the lucky ones in that he s not suffering from nightmares He credits his children with helping him keep moving forward When I can hear my children addressing us like mother and father mom and dad saying both names it s like music to the ears he stated As a family we re all in the process of recovery now But we are doing it together Source