Harriette Cole: After 5 years, his dead girlfriend still hovers over our relationship

DEAR HARRIETTE Before my boyfriend and I met he was in a long-term relationship with his high school sweetheart until she died Related Articles Harriette Cole How can I get my roommate to turn on the air conditioning Harriette Cole It s not that I m stingy I just don t have the money to tip Harriette Cole All my boyfriends have the same bad trait and I m tired of it Harriette Cole Should I tell this sneaky woman she s never getting her job back Harriette Cole I should never have agreed to the father-son blind date He and I met about three years later and there were signs that he was still struggling with the loss We started as friends and during that time I met several people he had become close with due to the tragedy like two of her best friends and specific of her family members When we started seeing each other romantically a lot of that part of him trickled into our relationship like celebrating her birthday with her family or visiting her resting site on the anniversary of her death He is close with her two best friends and her mom all of whom are kind women Sometimes people who knew his late girlfriend give him cards or share speeches at special occasions and they regularly bring up her name and discuss the role my boyfriend played in her life For a long time my main focus was supporting this man through his grief and being there for him He and I have been in a relationship for five years now I recognize there is no time limit on grief or a love lost but I wish those around him might recognize how left out I feel as the new woman in his life Should I share this with my partner Grieving Lover DEAR GRIEVING LOVER Talk to your boyfriend and let him know that you respect his grief about his former girlfriend but you also need space to feel that you fully occupy his life as his partner Don t ask him to stop his rituals That likely won t work Instead ask him to prioritize the relationship between you and him and live in the present Invite his friends to do the same It is impossible to compete with a ghost DEAR HARRIETTE Is it OK to be selective about where or when I spend time with certain friends Or does that make me shallow One of my best friends is loud and often asks invasive questions She likes being in the limelight so she draws attention to our group by joking incessantly or interjecting in conversations I love her because she is genuinely vibrant and caring but sometimes in professional settings or even around new friends in casual settings I find myself worrying about the impression she ll give I can see sometimes that her humor and her way of connecting with people is not well-received but I don t know how to help in the moment without embarrassing her She is intelligent but she seems socially oblivious Related Articles Dear Abby My husband texted his ex and talked to a divorce lawyer Should I be concerned Asking Eric She thinks the bear in her yard means she s particular kind of saint Harriette Cole How can I get my roommate to turn on the air conditioning Miss Manners I gave the teen money and now I m in an awkward situation Dear Abby They ask about the ring my husband gave me and I don t know what to say Should I try to teach her otherwise or be more mindful of what sorts of things and places I invite her to Center of Attention DEAR CENTER OF ATTENTION You can do two things First in private talk to her about how she interacts with people and suggest that she step back and read the room before inserting herself into certain situations Have selected examples ready for clarity s sake You can also be more selective as to where you invite her That s not a diss it s self-preservation Not every person is suited to every occasion Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams You can send questions to askharriette harriettecole com or c o Andrews McMeel Syndication Walnut St Kansas City MO