Harriette Cole: The caption on my middle-schooler’s TikTok selfie shocked me

DEAR HARRIETTE My daughter is in middle school and I allow her to have social media as long as her mom and I have access to her accounts Related Articles Harriette Cole How do I talk to my roommate about this daily disruption Harriette Cole My twins are getting snappish over college acceptance Harriette Cole My neighbor didn t do a thing when his dog charged at me Harriette Cole One of my bridesmaids didn t show up for the wedding Harriette Cole Why would you take the side of the food police Earlier this week she posted something rather sexually explicit on her TikTok account It was a selfie which is totally normal but the caption she had written underneath it shocked me It wasn t anything a preteen should be saying or posting on the internet Her mom and I discussed how to move forward but when we tried talking to her about where she learned that sort of language she shut down She refuses to talk to us about it so we ve taken away her privileges to use social media Punishment doesn t seem like the most of appropriate response How can we censor what our child says does or is exposed to without treating her like a criminal Parental Control DEAR PARENTAL CONTROL You cannot control what your daughter is exposed to but you can teach her what you value During this no-social-media phase continue to try to talk to her not in judgment but in fact Explain that certain behaviors attract people who may be dangerous for her to know Language expresses how one sees and is seen by the world Encourage your daughter to use language methodically so that she is accurately reflecting who she is and what she stands for Remind her that anything she writes or says and publishes online can never be taken back so she should think conscientiously before posting What she posts should dependably represent her values DEAR HARRIETTE One of my best friends came to town We ve known each other since college and have seen each other through a lot of chapters I don t feel like I m in the best season of my life right now I think I m on my way to something great but the detour has been filled with a lot of challenges losses hardships and so much more My close friends are aware of this When this friend came to town we sought to meet up and catch up Before I could give her any updates she grabbed both my hands and looked into my eyes with sheer happiness and informed me how proud she is of me I was surprised because usually these sorts of speeches come after a distinct accomplishment I didn t know what to say so I giggled a little and looked away She unveiled my eyes again and pleaded with me telling me that I m doing great and that I ve grown and achieved so much I love her dearly and I trust her so why can t I think those things about myself How can I learn to be as proud of myself as she says she is Self-Doubt DEAR SELF-DOUBT It can be tough to feel a sense of pride when things are not stable in your life That s when it s great to be around cheerleaders like your friend Related Articles Dear Abby I work on the road and come home to this chaos Asking Eric My children are getting stupider and I despair of leaving them my hard-earned money Harriette Cole How do I talk to my roommate about this daily disruption Miss Manners Can I stop feeding my guests to get them to leave Dear Abby I had feelings for my boss and then I was fired Can I call him now It is also wise to count your blessings in a literal way Write down what you are grateful for in your life what you have accomplished and what moves you are taking to get to your next destination Recognizing the little things will help you to notice what you have done that is good Ask your friend what she sees in you that makes her proud Urge her to be honest as you aren t feeling so proud right now yourself Really listen and internalize what she has to say Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams You can send questions toaskharriette harriettecole com or c o Andrews McMeel Syndication Walnut St Kansas City MO